Good Morning Starshine, The Earth Says “What in Sam Hill is That?”

There is a jpeg beyond that which is known to man, a jpeg not only of sight and sound but of mind. Next stop, the Twiligh–
Those words do not ring as pure as they once did, before the word came to mean docile adventurous gothic vampires lurking in Hot Topic by day and prowling the night to seek out unremarkable girls a hundred years under their age to go on strictly-G-rated relationship adventures with. Nonetheless, the pixels do not lie.

Aliens Send us a Terrorist Fist-Jab
Aliens Send us a Terrorist Fist-Jab

Not a corny photoshopped April 1st post, no. It may be the summit of our worst fears.
Someone told the extraterrestrials about the remake of “The Day The Earth Stood Still” going to DVD April 7th. Having foreseen this day thousands of years before the Sumerians had so much as invented glue (see my school’s Humanities department for details), they used their glitter, cotton candy and bundle of hopelessly-tangled Christmas lights to warn of of the impending DVD release.

NASA’s theorists, having taken the deep-space photo themselves, say that it could be only red tide, a phenomenon which NASA administrator Michael Griffith first documented in the summer of 1998 at his beach home in Baja California. Griffith denies rumors that it coincides with the March 27th release of “Monsters vs. Aliens,” now playing in a theater near you.

Long-time rivalries among Marvel and DC loyalists, the two leading comic book factions, have led to widespread debate and speculation over the significance of the “hand” in the sky. Both herald it as a sign predicted long ag in their sacred texts. Marvel loyalists claiming it as a sign of the coming Galactus, Devourer of Worlds, who appeared briefly in “Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer” six months and two days before the April 4th cosmic event. (The bright spot in the center of the photograph is heralded as the Silver Surfer himself.) DC disciples insist on the alternate theory that it is on par with the release of “Watchmen” 29 days previous, citing Dr. Manhattan (more commonly referred to as The Uh, Naked Blue Guy) as the shaper of the nebula.

Yahoo! News, to much disbelief, misidentified the shape as a pulsar, a dying star condense to a sphere 12 miles wide, which reached a mad spinning speed of seven rotations a second and spewed its electrons into space, simultaneously diffusing their energy into high-energy X-rays due to the star’s gravitational pull 15 million times the strength of the Earth’s.  It revoked the article immediately and apologized for the error.

As of press time, NASA has narrowed down the symbol’s possible sources to aliens, God or the half-finished Powerade the interns left on the lens again.


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